


Ruination

by Pcillam



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Anxiety, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Miscarriage, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-03
Updated: 2020-09-02
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:00:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 16,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26262307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pcillam/pseuds/Pcillam
Summary: When Amanda suffers a miscarriage she is forced to reach out to Olivia for support. Taking a risk and opening up to her Sargeant may prove to be exactly what the blonde needs.
Relationships: Olivia Benson/Amanda Rollins
Comments: 8
Kudos: 29





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Set After Rapist Annonymous and Gamblers Fallacy, Amanda deals with the aftermath of her trust issues with the other members of the team while navigating her growing workplace anxiety. 
> 
> There will be no return of William Lewis in this story.

  
  


Amanda knew what was happening the moment she felt something sticky leak out onto her underwear instantly warming her thighs. This did not come as much of a surprise, she had felt her tummy cramping over the past hour and was working up the courage to ask her sergeant if she could go home. Getting up quickly and walking as casually as she can to the restrooms without causing suspicion, her fellow squad mates rarely respect one another’s privacy especially hers. 

Sitting down on the toilet as an immense cramp rumble through her lower abdomen. 

_ Not here, not here, not here, please not now!  _

Amanda thinks as blood flows heavily into the toilet below. Biting her lip against the moan that wants to break free at the pain that resides in her back, hips and the top of her thighs. This is not the first time this has happened to Amanda but she doesn’t remember her legs hurting quite this much last time.

She is unsure how long she had been sitting in the restroom, few people have been in and out since Amanda had taken refuge in the end stall. It has been quite a while though and she knows her fellow squad members will start looking for her soon. Feeling dizzy and shaky, aware that she is in need of some help, unsure if she would be able to stand on her own if she tried. Her underwear was soaked in blood and her pants were not much better, she didn’t want to have to walk through the squad room for fear someone would notice. Aware that she shouldn’t be embarrassed to ask for help, but unable to bring herself to text any of her male colleagues - who she is closest with on the squad - to ask for their assistance in this instance.

Tears flowing freely from her eyes, her lip still tight between her teeth to avoid drawing any attention to herself. She pulls her phone out to contact the only other female member on her squad. Amanda falters as she holds her phone in her sweaty palm, she can’t quite figure out how to word the message knowing that she needs a ride home, a spare pair of clothes from her gym bag and maybe a sanitary towel. Unable to figure out the correct way to articulate such a request. How to display her usual false bravado. How to do it right. 

\- hey liv, are you still in the station? 

Amanda texts starting simple, the anxiety in her chest becoming overwhelming. 

\- yes, where are you?

Olivia replies almost instantly. Amanda's anxiety grows a little more when she realises her boss has noticed her absence. Hoping against hope she hasn’t said anything to the others. 

\- bathroom do u have any sanitary towels?

Her face blushing red with embarrassment, aware that this is only the beginning. Chastising herself for being a woman in her 30s and being embarrassed about asking her friend for a sanitary product. Planning on just blaming her period and asking to be excused from the rest of the workday. No one has to know, for once her business can stay her business.

\- yeah, I’ll bring one to you now.

Again Olivia replies immediately.

\- could u also grab my gym bag from my desk?

Amanda doesn’t receive a reply but assumes the brunette will grab it anyway. The embarrassment has become all-encompassing now. Somehow this extra task she’s asking of her colleague feels to be asking too much.

The pain has subsided a little and she felt as though she may be able to make it downstairs and into a cab on her own without bothering anyone any further. 

Amanda’s tears are uncontrollable now, her hand covering her mouth to muffle any sounds. Her head is buzzing as if someone has taken out her brain and filled the cavity with static electricity. Stuck in a grimy stall in her place of work, in soiled clothes and sweating through her shirt as the anxiety becomes all-encompassing. Fading in and out of reality as she awaits the arrival of her boss while in such an intimate and vulnerable position. Unable to stifle the involuntary whimper that escapes her lip as she hears a small knock on the stall door.

“Amanda, you okay?” Olivia asks in a soft voice that just oozes sympathy and has Amanda’s tears falling in earnest. 

“Yeah, liv” Trying to steady her voice she replies.

Olivia slides the gym bag and the sanitary towel under the gap in the stall without further enquiry. Amanda gives her thanks, her voice a little stronger. As she silently thanks the heavens her Sergeant has brought her a super pad with wings. Remembering heavy bleeding after the last time. 

God, she felt so broken. 

Amanda made fast work of cleaning herself up, pulling on fresh underwear, her leggings and removing her button-down silk shirt that looked strange paired with the workout wear before pulling on her oversized NYPD hoodie over her bra. She took a moment to breathe and wipe her eyes before exiting the bathroom not expecting to see her Sargeant waiting for her at the sinks. 

Amanda avoids looking Olivia in the eye as she makes her way to the sink and cursing herself as she washes her hands watching as the water runs off her hands red before it quickly turns clear. Nausea building as she realises what Olivia has just witnessed and expecting Olivia to be completely disgusted by her, as she is by her own body. Sick of the smell of the precinct bathroom that felt like the only room in the building that hadn't been renovated in 40 years, refusing to look up from the chipped maroon tiles. 

“Amanda?” Olivia asks, her voice hushed and her tone surprised. 

The blonde looks up into the mirror catching her horror-stricken reflection, her face bright red and eyes flowing with tears that she is unable to stem. Looking at Olivia, her embarrassment a new high as she stares into her bosses concerned brown eyes, a sob bubbling up in her throat. 

“Amanda, are you okay?” Olivia asks again, her voice is soft and soothing as she addresses the blonde, her concern obvious on her features as she takes in the sight of the crying junior detective in front of her. 

Amanda can’t even comprehend what’s going on, wanting nothing more than to have a shower and to be at home in her nice comfy bed. Remembering her doctor telling her to avoid baths and began racking her brain, was she allowed to shower? 

Shaking slightly from head to toe, focusing on her spirling thoughts momentarily forgetting where she is and brought back to the moment feeling awful dizzy all of a sudden. She throws her arm out to the brunette instinctively to steady herself. Olivia grasping onto her outstretched hand.

“Amanda!” Olivia exclaims her concern spiking as the blonde sways on her feet. Placing another hand on the blonde's shoulder. Olivia had watched the younger woman sway on her feet for a few moments with a vacant look on her face. It became obvious that this was more than just an unpredicted period the blonde was ill-prepared for the moment Amanda exited the bathroom stall.

“Sorry liv, just dizzy.” Amanda dismisses, removing herself from the comfort of another person's touch, she feels she doesn’t deserve. 

Amanda knows that this quick dismissal will cause the brunette to worry even more and is sure that the dizziness is due to the fact her blood pressure has fallen, she has lost a lot of blood and is probably iron deficient. A symptom she has with her period often. Unable to stop herself from pushing the brunette away, wishing she was alone in her apartment not crying in her work bathroom with her superior officer.

“Is everything okay? You seem so upset.” Olivia says as she runs her thumb over a damp cheek, “Is this just because of your period or is there something else going on?” Olivia asked, being right in assuming the blonde is not crying due to an unexpected period. Having seen Amanda tear up only once or twice in the years she has been working with her, but never openly cry like this. 

“It’s not my period,” Amanda explained, seeing a very concerned look flashing over the brunette's face, “I’m miscarrying, and I just really want to go home, to be anywhere but here.” she quickly added. It was although Amanda couldn’t have stopped herself telling the brunette if she’d tried.

A small gasp escaped Olivia after her colleagues' admission, reaching out for the smaller women’s hand.

“Oh Amanda, I’m so sorry,” Olivia says, giving the smaller woman's hand a sympathetic squeeze.

Olivia didn’t know what she was expecting originally assuming the blonde was experiencing a pretty bad period to have texted her from the toilet for a change of clothes. Her empathy instantly overruling her previous annoyance a moment prior to receiving the text when she had looked up from her desk to see the blonde was the only member of the squad not working on her paperwork. Receiving the texts that the blonde needed a sanitary towel had naturally caused her to drop everything for her colleague. 

Her heartbreaking upon seeing the blonde; tears in her eyes and swaying slightly on her feet. Feeling a protective urge to wrap the blonde in her arms and take away all her sorrow. Even if it was just a really bad period. She, however, did not expect this and suddenly didn’t quite know how to react, which for the very intuitive brunette was a relatively rare experience. 

“Let me take you home?” Olivia asked, speaking softly to the blonde, who would normally recoil from the sympathy offered, nodded in response. She didn’t know if maybe she should offer to take the blonde to the hospital but from what little she knew she understood they would be fine to stay home. The Sargent was well aware of the blondes' hatred for hospitals. 

“Please.” Amanda answered her voice so small, “could you also grab my purse and my phone. I don’t want to see the boys, I can not fend off their questions right now. And I’m sure Nick will assume I’ve pissed myself or something ridiculous.” She added her voice slightly stronger. 

The brunette nodded with a sympathetic smile, Olivia had seen recently the lengths the other squad members went for Amanda and knowing their concern would not be appreciated right now. 

Heading back to her office to collect her things and her own work deciding that she would stay with Amanda for the rest of the day despite it still being early in the workday. She can’t fathom leaving the younger detective on her own. 

Taking a minute to collect herself feeling tears stinging her eyes as she took in the look on the blonde's face and her sudden willingness to be vulnerable in front of her, something which happened so very little. 

After collecting her own stuff she headed for Amanda’s desk when Fin and Nick’s eyes settled on her. Internally rolling her eyes at them she packs up the detectives belongings before addressing them. 

“Amanda isn’t feeling well. I'm going to take her home. I’ve got work with me if you need anything, call!” She explains. Not giving them much time to respond and flat out ignoring Amaro’s questions. 

Heading to the break room to grab a bottle of water from the fridge for the blonde, and briefly considers making her a sugary cup of tea to help with her dizziness before deciding she can do that when they are home. 

Amanda is now slumped over the sinks taking deep measured breaths when the door opens again expecting to see Olivia she looks up but her eyes meet with his. Nick has entered the ladies room and is striding over to her. She can’t help the boiling rage she feels as red heat rises up her neck and into her face. 

“Are you okay? What happened?” He asked his voice both soft and judgmental.

“What are you doing in here Nick?” She all but screams in response, aware that her emotions are on high alert but after his recent behaviour she can’t help but lash out at him.

“I was worried? Olivia said you were ill, you don’t look well? Why have you changed your clothes?” He asks again, ignoring her obvious discomfort before she can answer, unsure if she was planning to give him a verbal explanation or a punch, the door opens again and this time Olivia does enter. 

“Nick!” She said looking pissed. “Just because I didn’t answer your questions doesn’t mean you go explore the ladies. Out! We will talk about this tomorrow!” She practically yells at the detective who looks so affronted as though he finds nothing wrong with his actions.

“I’m sorry, Amanda I went to grab you a bottle of water. I didn’t think he’d come looking for you. You okay?” Olivia asks the blonde who has regained a little colour her blood pressure seems to return a little. Handing her the cool bottle of water after unscrewing the top.

“It’s okay, it’s not your fault. Don’t know why I thought the ladies restroom would be a safe place.” She says with a roll of her eyes. Olivia can't help but focus on Amanda's choice of words, was she being hyperbolic or did she genuinely feel unsafe? Why didn’t she feel safe?

“Can we go?” Amanda asks bringing Olivia from her thoughts as the blonde takes the cap of the bottle from her hand, gasping as freezing cold fingers brush her hand. Stirring her back to the moment and how awful the blonde must feel.

“Yeah, no problem. Let’s go.” The blonde was quiet the entire walk down to Olivia's car, it was still early in the afternoon and the precinct was buzzing with activity. 

  
  


“Thank you for driving me home. I’m sorry to be leaving halfway through the day, I’ll make it up to you tomorrow.” Amanda said as they drove onto her block. The ten-minute car ride had been driven in heavy silence, Olivia giving Amanda space to process while looking over every few minutes to make sure she was okay. 

“It’s no problem at all Rollins, take as much time as you need..” She says as she reaches over to squeeze her shoulder. “I’m just sorry this happened.” 

Amanda could only nod in response. 

“I’m gonna come up and stay awhile? I don’t want you to go through this alone.” Olivia said as she pulled the car into park rubbing Amanda’s arm. The blonde is horrified to find tears stinging her eyes in response.

“You really don’t have to do that. But thank you honestly.” Amanda said as she began gathering her stuff.

“I know I don’t have too, but I brought work with me, you can get some rest and I’ll just hang out on your couch for a while, just in case.” Olivia's heart broke at the sight of the young blonde, so plainly shocked that someone was willing to go that little extra mile for her. As if the kindness she was showing was so foreign to her. Amanda nodded not trusting her voice at that moment as she flung her gym bag over her shoulder, allowing Olivia to grab both purses before following the other women into her building.

They entered the blondes modest one-bedroom, it was tidy with pops of colour throughout. Her cream sofa was full of fluffy cushions of greens, pinks and yellows. A bright yellow rug in the centre of the room. It seemed to fit Amanda’s personality well while also seeming to be the complete opposite of what Olivia had been expecting. 

“Make yourself at home, the WiFi password is on the router.” She said dying to run into the shower instantly. “I’m going to take a shower.” She added. Her voice was small and twinged with embarrassment. So different from Amanda’s usual confidence and arrogance that she portrayed in the squad room. This side of Amanda brought out so many new feelings for the brunette. Suddenly finding the need to provide comfort almost overwhelming. 

“Take your time. Just yell if you need me.” She says with a nod as she makes her way over to the sofa. First googling the symptoms of a miscarriage and what to expect, as well as treatment for any symptoms that might occur. Armed with more knowledge Benson felt more prepared and less apprehensive about supporting the blonde. 

As Amanda is in the shower Olivia takes the spoiled clothes out of Amanda’s gym bag internally, accepting that this is perhaps pushing the boundaries but unable to do nothing to aid the blonde. Pouring detergent directly onto the material before throwing them in the washing machine alone. Turning to put the kettle on, considering doing a tidy up of the apartment but finding it already as tidy as it could get. Again a stark opposite from the last time she had visited the blonde's apartment, however, she feels as though that might have had more to do with Kim’s presence before she had cleared Amanda out. 

Instead setting up her work station on the sofa, her files piled on the painted coffee table, all the furniture having been bought from different market places and all obviously mismatching but in a purposeful way clearly thought out. Olivia is in awe of the apartment and its decor, she doesn’t know why she assumed Amanda’s life at home to be as chaotic as her workplace. But she is determined to figure out why there is such an obvious character shift between Amanda at home and Amanda at work. She can’t help thinking back to Amanda’s unsafe comment she had made previously. 

After showering Amanda had taken her time brushing out her hair slowly, refusing to look in the mirror as she did so, taking the time to accept what had happened again. Refusing to dwell on what could have happened and accepted what did. Planning on getting cosy and keeping her demons at bay. Her stress levels since her relapse have been at an all-time high, unable to return to the meetings that had pulled her out of the depths of her addiction. 

Unable to trust the friends she had made along the way, ignoring invites and phone calls. Having lost the trust of all of her co-workers in a matter of days and have no trust in them either. It had suddenly become very lonely again for Amanda Rollins. 

The detective had almost forgotten the other woman's presence in her home when she returned to her living space in her grey joggers and oversized hoodie again. She was so taken back that Olivia was still here, that she had stayed despite saying she would. Amanda had assumed she would have found Olivia had gone on a case or another work emergency when she came back out. 

“Hey, there honey? How are you feeling?” The Sergeants voice was so honeyed Amanda couldn’t help the tears that sprang to her eyes. Amanda couldn’t have stopped the sob that escaped her lips as she approached the sofa if she had tried. She didn't. 

“Oh Amanda, I’m so sorry,” Olivia said as she reached out to envelop the sobbing blonde into her strong embrace. Rocking slightly from side to side and rubbing circles on the blondes back. 

“I’m here, you're okay. I’m right here.” She repeats softly to the distraught detective who lay her head on her chest. 

It took Amanda longer than she’d care to admit to stop sobbing, an emotional release clearly needed, having sobbed until her body could take no more. She lay heavily against the brunette desperate for physical attention, her sergeants soothing fingers running through her hair giving her a sense of safety she so desperately craved. She always gravitates towards Olivia, the sergeant always emitting an air of safety and warmth. But had never allowed herself to seek out a fraction of care the older woman so willingly dished out.

“How are you feeling sweetheart?” Olivia asked softly, more than happy to provide the comfort that the blonde is so obviously craving. 

“Mmhmm” she heard the blonde mumble in reply, her voice muffled by her chest.

“Are you in any pain?” Olivia asks as she continues her soft ministrations. Feeling the blonde shake her head, dipping down to see a blush forming on the detectives' pale cheeks. 

“Are you still dizzy, I put the kettle on if you want some sweet tea?” She asked again, only receiving another head shake no in reply.

  
  


“Okay, why don’t you lie down and have a nap I’ll stay right here,” Olivia instructed, seeing the blonde's eyes fighting to stay open. 

“Are you still bleeding?” She asked the blush in Amanda’s cheeks darkening as she nodded. “Heavy?” she asked again, receiving a barely-there nod. This embarrassment is so uncharacteristic of the blonde who often overshared. 

“Would you like to stay through here or get into bed?” She asks as Amanda sits up raising her tear-stained puffy face from the sergeant's chest, nodding towards the sofa.

“Okay hold on for two seconds.” She explained before retreating to the bathroom, locating the linen closet and picking a dark coloured towel. 

“Let’s just lay this down just in case.” She says reaching her hand out to the blonde whose face is now beetroot red with embarrassment her eyes downcast. Amanda stood up holding onto the brunette's hand and let the other women lay the towel over the cream sofa, secretly agreeing it was best, lest she leaks on her nice sofa it would be a nightmare to remove the stain. 

“Okay get comfy,” Olivia says with a slight smile patting her lap encouraging the younger women to lay her head down. Amanda surprising both herself and Olivia with her willingness to accept this tender intimate gesture. Clearly so desperate for comfort she’s willing to surpass her instincts.

“You don’t have to talk to me Amanda, but if you’d like to, I’m here to listen. This is a horrible thing to happen to you and I’m so sorry.” Olivia said her voice in a hushed whisper, “I’m proud of you for telling me what’s going on and for allowing me to be here for you. I know that’s not an easy thing for you to do.” She added, placing a maternal kiss to Amanda’s forehead as she smoothed her fingers over the younger woman's damp hair once again.

“Thank you for being here liv,” Amanda replies, her voice so quiet. She is still sounding in awe of the women’s generosity with her time. 

“It’s not a problem at all. You don’t have to thank me.” Olivia stressed, desperate for the blonde to know she has people there for her if need be. 

  
  


“I feel so broken,” Amanda said after a pause of silence had filled the blondes living room, unable to turn her thoughts off long enough to drift to sleep. 

“Oh Amanda, you are not broken. This is not your fault!” Olivia stressed attempting to look the blonde in the eyes, not surprised to find the younger women’s gaze averted.

“It’s not the first time it’s happened.” Amanda explained, “and I don’t know whether to curse myself for being irresponsible or to feel disgusted in myself for being.. I don’t know being  _ uninhabitable _ .” She explained cringing at her own word choice. Feeling a cathartic release much like her sobbing fit earlier had produced as she explained her feelings in the form of disjointed word vomit. 

“I know that’s not the case, both times it’s happened I’ve been under extreme stress. But I can’t help but acknowledge that the two times I have gotten myself knocked up....” she continues as tears seep through her closed eyes. 

“What’s wrong with me, liv? It’s not just this, it’s everything. Either I’m broken or I’ve broken everything good in my life.” Amanda said her eyes still closed as Olivia feathered soothing fingers over her furrowed brow attempting to make eye contact with the broken woman in her lap. 

“Tell me, Amanda, just let it all out. Tell me what’s been going on?” She urged desperately to get to the bottom of the blondes sadness what has had her so stressed out. Although she assumes that it had something to do with the gambling relapse and her now rocky relationship with the squad.

“Oh, I don’t even know... that’s the thing, In the past few months my life has crumbled yet again and I don’t know how I’m gonna get it all back together.” Amanda continued her chest heaving. 

“God why did I sleep with Nate, why did I let them trick me like that. I trusted them! Why? Why on earth would I trust them? And I trusted Nick, hell I slept with him too. He went to one of my meetings, Liv. I understand that’s not... that it doesn’t seem like that big of a deal, but…” she sighed, steeling herself. 

“I had one thing that wasn’t tainted, one place I could speak openly and freely void of judgement. I’ve told strangers things I could never even tell Fin.” Amanda rambled her thoughts tumbling out of her, aware that this isn’t the time to be having this conversation and reminding herself that Olivia is now her boss. 

“Liv I tried so hard to establish a life outside of work, I did have a life outside of work! But yet again work got in the way. The only thing I have is this job, the only thing I was proud of and I put that in jeopardy. I haven’t done anything but work and sleep since Declan, who I also slept with by the way! Oh my god. I’m such a whore. Maybe that’s why I’m broken.” She explained now openly crying her face crumpled with grief as she attempts to put into words how awful she has felt the past few weeks. 

“And the most shameful part of this all Olivia is that I was relieved. I’m nowhere near ready to be responsible for another soul, I mean you’ve met me. I’m a complete mess, I’ve spent the last week wrestling with the idea of being pregnant, my next step, then.. when I felt.. when I was sitting at my desk my first thought was that  _ I  _ didn’t have to make the decision.” She finished unable to refuse the opportunity to spill her guts to a listening ear, turning to her side to hide her face tucked into the brunette's stomach as she trembled with tears. 

“Your right I’m not broken. This is my fault, the relapse, putting my job in danger and... it’s all my fault.” She ground out loudly although her voice was muffled against the older woman’s middle. 

Olivia listened to the detective understanding the need for the blonde to just get it all out into the open uninterrupted. Listening to the blonde describe what she can imagine is only a fraction of her unhealthy thoughts. Getting an insight into the blonde she thought she never would; a disjointed, vulnerable and still slightly filtered image of how the blonde viewed herself. Olivia is surprised as she is overcome with a sudden yearning for a relationship with the blonde outside of work, as she is reminded about how little she knows of Amanda’s life outside of SVU.

“This. This is not your fault! You are not broken, you are not a mess and you are not a whore.” Olivia said, tears silently cascading down her own cheeks. 

“And regardless of whether you wanted a child or not this miscarriage is heartbreaking and I’m so so sorry that you’re going through this.” She said her voice so soft as she ran her hands up and down the blondes quavering shoulders. 

“And as for everything else, well you’re not alone now. I’m here and I’m not going anywhere no matter how hard you push. I am so sorry for everything that happened with Nick and I’m so sorry for the part that played in your relapse. We can sort all of this out sweetheart, I promise.” Sadness and guilt had washed over Olivia. 

Running her hand over the blondes back praying that her words had impacted the devastated women. Praying that she’d allow Olivia into her life, show her Amanda Rollins outside the precinct that she so desperately wants to get to know.

Olivia had noticed the blonde becoming more subdued since she had become Sergeant, assuming it had everything to do with the aftermath of her lover and sponsor Nate's betrayal. She had also witnessed her isolate herself from the squad, she had later assumed that had been due to the gambling relapse. She didn’t realise it was because she had lost trust in them, that she was so deeply impacted by Nick's unauthorised undercover stint in her support group and his hurtful words. Olivia couldn’t help but feel slightly to blame for Nick's actions although she was preoccupied and she didn’t know or doesn’t condone his actions, she is his partner.

She had failed Amanda and she vowed to herself and Amanda she would fix this.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back at work, Olivia confronts Nick about his relationship with her blonde detective.

Watching the blonde warily from her office, if she hadn’t only left the other women’s apartment only a few hours previously after the blonde had cried herself to sleep in her arms she would be none the wiser to the blondes current inner turmoil. Olivia had stayed on the sofa with her subordinate until the evening when a very embarrassed Amanda had awoken apologising profusely for trapping Olivia.

Amanda had arrived at work and acted although nothing was a miss. It was as if she was an entirely different woman altogether. The sergeant had watched the blonde give Nick a warning look when he clearly attempted to ask about the previous day. Olivia felt a wave of pride run through her, witnessing Amanda know her worth. 

Olivia had felt an overwhelming need to be near the blonde all morning to hold her hand and caress her in a show of support as they passed one another. This sudden obsession with her subordinate was disconcerting to the older woman, she had always seen Rollins as a bit of an enigma but now she has a glimpse of what she knew to be the whole picture that was Amanda Rollins and not just the front she portrayed when in her company. Maybe it was the unknown. Or maybe it was the blonde. Either way. 

Olivia continued to eye the blonde for the remainder of the morning and into the early afternoon. Slowly she saw the façade breakdown, the blonde was clearly in pain. Watching her take some medication she realised that it was time for the blonde to be truthful. A fact she knew she’d be unable to do without a slight nudge, a reminder that she could lean on her Sargeant that’s why she’s here. 

“Amanda my office!” She insists after the blonde had taken a few measured breaths. She looked to be in a great deal of pain. It was getting ridiculous she clearly needed to go home and look after herself. 

“Cramping?” Olivia asked as she took in the blondes slumped over figure. Amanda nodded. 

“It’s not that bad though Liv honest, it’s just like bad period cramps” she dismissed “waiting for the pain meds to kick in.” She added with an awkward but confident laugh.

“You're clearly not doing too great Amanda, let me drive you home?” Olivia said her voice warning suggesting it was not a question.

“Liv. I appreciate your concern. Please, I.. I’m cramping a little, the bleeding has stopped. This is what it was like last time. I will be cramping a little for the next week or so. I can’t just go home.” Amanda said, her voice desperate.

“Okay. Okay, you're on desk duty until the cramping stops. No arguments.” Olivia said interrupting the blonde her voice so soft and caring, hoping to stop the blonde before she got even more worked up. “and you are going to sit down and take a minute. You don’t have to go home for the full week but you can take a day? Process?” Olivia was concerned, to say the least, and the need to take care of her subordinate was insurmountable.

“I can’t process right now. I’m all over the place, my hormones are all over the place, I just want to focus on work. Focus on the good we do...” she trailed off. “If I go home, I don’t know if I could.. free time is not my friend. I would gamble. I might..” she said her voice barely above a whisper.

“Okay, thank you for being honest with me. I’m not gonna let that happen. I want you on my team, Amanda.” Olivia said gently driving home the points she wanted to make; one that she would be risking her job and two that she could lean on the older woman.

“So let’s just take a breather sweetheart. Come sit down.” She directed, keeping her voice intentionally low in hopes that she wouldn’t frighten Amanda off. She seemed almost like a skittish animal a second away from fleeing to perceived safety.

Amanda sat down next to her superior with a concerning need to sit on the older woman’s lap. She, however, sat as far away from Olivia as she physically could on the Sofa. She was aware the both had mountains of work to do. So she couldn’t understand why her boss was so willingly sat with Amanda instead of tackling their now growing stack of paperwork. 

They sat in silence for a few minutes before Olivia decided to voice one of the many questions that had been buzzing through her brain since she had entered the blonde's apartment. 

“Have you been to a meeting recently Amanda?” Olivia asked cautiously, it wasn’t her business. But the blonde had brought up her addiction without prodding and she could shut her down with a lie if she needed. The blonde shook her head no.

“I tried, but.. I’ve tried a couple of times. I got anxious and I just couldn’t bring myself to go in.” She admitted, surprising herself and Olivia once again with her truthfulness. Amanda knew she was at the end of her rope, that something had to give. 

She spent almost all of her days in a constant anxious state and she was mentally exhausted. With every pet name and soft tone, Olivia was breaking Amanda down, faster than she thought would be possible.

“Is there anything I can do? I could come with you? Or we could find you a..” before Olivia could finish her sentence Amanda interrupted.

“Sargeant... I appreciate the offer. Thank you. Umm... I’m going to get back to work.” Amanda said standing up desperate to escape, refusing to answer any of the brunettes questions. Olivia knew there was no point getting Amanda to stay, she instead stood too but reached out to squeeze Amanda’s shoulder.

“Well, my door is always open. Please, please come to me if you need anything.” Olivia said, hoping to convey as much sincerity as physically possible in one sentence. Amanda nodded as she left the office refusing to meet her superior's kind eyes.

A few hours passed and the day was getting harder for Amanda. She was becoming worried as the cramping had become much more intense since the awkward conversation she had been forced to have with Olivia. And was debating taking her up on the offer of a ride home. 

“What’s wrong?” Nick's voice came from behind; she turned from her position at the coffee machine to see a very concerned look on her co-worker's face. “You're in pain!” He states obviously. She nods slightly not even attempting to deny it, she was in pain and his concern was touching. 

Instantly she recognised her mistake. She had given him an in. “What happened? What’s wrong?” He said reaching out to place his hand on her hip. 

Olivia, who was watching the interaction from the window in her office, had noticed Amanda stiffen under the touch of her colleague. Making her way over to the pair as quickly and inconspicuously as she could. For a split second, Amanda looked genuinely terrified. She had a look, a look Olivia had seen on many women’s faces, a look she had seen on her own face. 

_ Oh, Amanda _ .

“It’s just my time of the month Nick. It’s none of your business.” Amanda said anger seething through her tone. 

“No.. are you sure you’re okay? it’s later than usual.” Nick said confidently. Olivia got there just in time to stop Amanda from punching him square in his face. An overreaction Olivia thought as she grabbed Amanda’s arm, but saw tears shimmering in those baby blues that showed just how scared the blonde was. 

“Nick my office!” Olivia said, not sparing him a look as he rolled his eyes, murmuring something about a private conversation. 

“Take five?” She said to the blonde her voice much softer. She had managed to avoid a scene, and the sergeant wanted to keep it that way. 

“Do you understand how inappropriate that was?” She said as she closed the door behind her.

“Olivia..” he started.

“Sargeant!” She insisted. “Right now I’m not your partner nor am I your friend. I’m your superior and you’d do best to remember that.” She said her voice conveying her anger at this situation.

“That’s twice I have witnessed an unbelievable push of the boundaries. I should suspend you for your little trip to the ladies room yesterday. We work with Special Victims, the majority of which are women, who would be terrified to find a male in a restroom that is supposed to be a safe place.” Olivia felt too angry to get her point across clearly, taking a deep breath to steel herself for a minute. 

“Not to mention, you're tracking Amanda’s menstruation? Are you tracking mine too? Or is it just the cute blondes.” She said driving her point home. 

“I’m not tracking it!” He said with a roll of his eyes. “I just noticed... I guess.” He said his head hanging low, internally accepting that she had a point. He had crossed a couple of lines. “I’m just worried about her.” He said looking up to his superior. 

“Nick I do think some of this is worry. But I fear some of it is a lack of control. You’re used to Amanda sharing with you and now she isn’t, I think you’re becoming a little obsessed with the unknown.” She said her voice softened hoping that Nick would agree with her reasoning. 

He was becoming a little too Elliot-esk in regards to Amanda, constantly needing to know what’s happening in her life, needing to be the one to comfort her, to protect her and Amanda was clearly shying away from the attention. 

“She’s my friend _ Sargeant  _ I’m just concerned.” He said although it held little conviction, this isn’t the first time he’d been called out for having a little bit of a control problem when it comes to his girlfriends or in this case ex-lover. Not as much as the men he came into contact with through his work, but nonetheless, even he could recognise he had crossed the line. 

“Also regardless of your previous relationship or friendship with Amanda or again any female colleague, I’d like to remind you of how inappropriate it was for you to reach out to touch Amanda’s hip.” She added, “as a result I want you to take the online sexual harassment course.” She finished strongly. It wasn’t a severe punishment, but the only punishment other than desk duty she had enforced on any of her detectives as her role as a sergeant.

“This is ridiculous.” He spat, he was getting angry. “I’m not going to take a course on sexual harassment,” He said about to walk out of the office.

“Oh yes, you are! And I will remind you that as your supervisor and acting commanding officer you will be following my direct order.” She said with a ferocity she saved for perps. Being undermined was something Olivia wouldn’t stand for. 

“yes ma'am,” he said, he realised his mistake. He left the office with his tail between his legs. 

Amanda didn’t return from her break, instead texted Olivia that she had left with Fin on a domestic argument call. Olivia rolled her eyes huffing loudly, her subordinates not listening to her brought her so much frustration but she didn’t hide the smirk when she thought about what she had put her captain through. 

Less than an hour later Amanda and Fin had a man in the small interrogation room. Amanda was sitting down, her hips were stiff and she was having a hard time moving around without looking strange. But her anger was boiling as this man quite obviously recounted quite confidently all the things he did to his wife because she ‘deserved it’. 

It was an unusual case to Amanda; it involved very little investigation, the wife was driven to the hospital by the uniform officers maintaining that she fell, while the husband quite proudly admits to punching her in the face for the way she organised his shoes. Amanda had a rage building inside her and anxious energy that was consuming her. She suddenly found herself slamming her pen down and leaving the room. Allowing Fin to finish the confession and book the perp. She slammed the door and shuffled to her sergeants' office, the tightness in her pelvis making it hard to take larger steps, she was aware irrationally angry, fuming at the husband to a worrying degree. Having to excuse herself before she caused him any physical harm. 

Olivia, who had watched the blonde throw her pen down and storm out eyed her expectantly as she joined her in the office. 

“I think I’d like to go home now if that’s okay?” She asked her cheeks red with fury. She knew her hormones were to blame but she also knew herself well enough to know she was seconds from blowing up on some poor unsuspecting bystander. 

“Yeah of course, but hold on a second. I wanna know what’s just happened?” Olivia asked cautiously, she was suddenly wary to let her walk out of the precinct on her own.

“Ugh, Livia.” She spat angrily. “I’m pissed, I’m hormonal and listen to the ass hole talk about what he did to his wife with such casual confidence I could kick him!” She continued as she rocked back and forth leaning heavily on her bosses desk. “Not to mention it feels like my uterus is attempting to kill me from the inside out.” She continued, yet again falling victim to Olivia's compassion. “And Nick and his casual touching have resulted in my Anxiety reaching a new peak. Now I have to re-establish boundaries that I thought I’d cemented long ago!” She was all but shouting now. Her face bright red, she was aware she had said way too much and desperately needed an out. 

Talking about Nick and her Anxiety at work was too much. Her chest was becoming tighter and she eyed the doorway desperate to escape. 

If she was honest with herself her anger stemmed mainly from her conversation earlier with Nick. She was angry at him, embarrassed by her reaction and angry at Olivia for feeling the need to rescue her. But mainly she was angry at herself for blurring the boundaries she’d set up between her and her co-workers. Angry at herself for the fear that jutted through her when he reached for her hip. And anxious at the idea of it ever happening again. 

“Oh, sweetheart,” Olivia said so softly a complete contradiction to Amanda’s harsh monologue.

“Don’t!” She spat in response. Why did Benson level empathy hurt? She needed to escape while desperately wanting to throw herself into the other women’s strong embrace. “Just.. may I head out a little early?” She asked, her voice lacking the previous ferocity.

“Yes. But please call Amanda if you need anything, even if it is just a distraction, I promise I won’t ask you any questions.” She said softly, heading the warning the detective had shot her. Her sympathy wasn’t wanted right now. She could respect that. 

Olivia watched as the blonde walked a little stiffly collecting her things and leaving the bullpen. She had felt such a maternal need to look after Amanda the past couple of days and she didn’t know if it was that she was now Amanda’s boss or she saw something in Amanda that she was desperate to protect. Either way, she was going to be there for Amanda in any capacity the blonde would allow.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A trip to the ER leads to another opportunity for Olivia Benson to show Amanda Rollins how much she truly cares for her.

Olivia woke up to the shrill ringtone of her phone, always loud and prepared for the call into work. Glancing at the clock and heaving a sigh, 3 am.

“Liv.” Amanda's voice is soft and quiet on the other end of the line. 

“Amanda? are you okay?” Olivia asks sitting bolt upright in bed. She hadn’t heard from Amanda since her outburst in her office a few hours previous.

“I.. I was wondering if.. I’m in the ER could you come?” She said haltingly. Olivia said to ask for help; she reminded herself. Liv was safe. This was ok. 

“Which ER?” Olivia asked, moving quickly as she pulled on a pair of leggings.

“Bellevue, sorry I know it’s a little far,” Amanda said guiltily. There was a brief pause as Olivia scrambled to get ready.

“I’m on my way. What happened?” Olivia said, ignoring Amanda’s apology as she grabbed her jacket and key and headed to her car.

“I’m losing a lot of blood,” Amanda explained without hesitation. “I’m scared liv.” She admitted, desperate for the brunette who had been so caring around her recently.

“I’m coming sweetheart. I’m sorry. I’ll be twenty minutes, okay?” The sergeant said, pulling out and driving down the road at an alarming speed. 

As soon as she had hung up with Amanda, she flicked on her siren. The blonde had admitted she was scared which translated in the brunette's mind, as terrified. 

Making it to the hospital in record time, She basically bit the receptionist head off before the women had pointed to the curtain offed area. 

“Amanda?” She asked tentatively, asking for permission before pulling back the curtain.

“Yeah?” The blonde called back. Olivia took this as all the permission she needed before pulling back the curtain and making her way over to the blonde.

“Hey there,” Olivia said as she approached the blonde in the bed. 

“Thank you for coming. I know it’s late.” Amanda was quick to say. 

“Hush. Of course, I came.” She said, running a hand down blonde hair. “What happened? What’s going on? Have they stopped the bleeding?” She asked her questions coming out rushed.

“I don’t know. I just.. I woke up, and there was so much blood. So much blood. I just called an Uber and got here a few minutes before I called you. Someone put me here; they’re sending someone to do an ultrasound.” She said honestly. She had been terrified to wake up to so much blood on her sheets. Amanda had planned to go to her doctor soon to make sure that everything had passed naturally. But had panicked and knew it was time to seek medical attention.

“I’m sorry, Amanda,” Olivia said, smoothing the women’s hair. “I’m here now. You’re okay. Everything will be okay.” She said as she watched the blonde attempt to contain her tears, something that she’d seen her do too many times in the past few days.

“I feel so silly for calling,” Amanda said with a self-deprecating laugh.

“It’s not silly at all. You can always call me. Especially if you’re in the ER.” Olivia comforted.

“I would have driven you to the hospital too you know, you didn’t have to get an Uber,” Olivia explained further. Desperate for the blonde to know she had allies if she’d only use them.

“I didn’t think it would be that big of a deal, but when I got here, everyone was so overly kind. As soon as I said ‘ _ miscarriage _ ’ they were quick to isolate me and been so sweet. I just got overwhelmed pretty quickly.” Amanda explained. “I think they’re having a slow night; someone has asked me like five times if I’d like a cup of tea.” She said with a smile. The concern and worried eyes that shot from one nurse to the other had Amanda’s stomach turning to led. She felt so utterly alone and reached out to the only person she wanted at that moment.

“The bleeding seems to have slowed down. I really should have just stayed at home.” Amanda says guiltily looking at the hospital sheets. She had been asked to change into a hospital gown and was still in her underwear with a maxi pad that they had given her on arrival.

“No you were right to come in Amanda, you should trust your instincts.” Olivia comforted, taking a seat next to the blonde.

“Any pain?” Olivia asked as she sat on the seat beside Amanda’s bed.

“No.” She explained she had been cramping pretty bad earlier that is why she had woken up and panicked to find the blood-soaked sheets. 

Olivia rubbed Amanda’s leg sympathetically. She was heartbroken for the detective.

“This didn’t happen last time.. last time I bled for like one day and then the bleeding tapered off,” Amanda said quietly, embarrassed that she had possibly overreacted.

“Okay, well we’re going to find out what’s going on. Okay?” Olivia soothed. 

They didn’t have to wait much longer before a doctor was down to see them. The women introduced herself and apologised for their wait. After making sure that the younger woman was comfortable with Olivia’s presence, she continued.

“Okay, Miss Rollins,” the doctor started. 

“Amanda” the blonde corrected. 

“Amanda, I am going to ask you a few quick questions?” The doctor explained. Waiting for a nod of assent.

“So when did the symptoms of the miscarriage start?” The red-haired MD began. 

“Uhm Thursday,” Amanda answered.

“Do you know how far along you were?” She asked, receiving an embarrassed head shake in response. 

“Could you tell me what happened?”

“I was cramping a little, and I bled heavily so heavy I had to sit on the toilet for a little while. Then continued to bleed for the remainder of the day.” Amanda explained grimacing slightly at the memory.

“And you told the nurse you were cramping a lot yesterday?” She asked.

“Mmhmm, it got gradually worse. And then again when I woke up.” 

“Okay, and how is the pain now? Still cramping?”

“No.” She says with a shake of her head.

“Now this might be a little uncomfortable, but when you were bleeding heavily on the toilet, did you feel anything come away?” The doctor asked, her tone very sympathetic it made Amanda squirm.

“Yes. And it was a little while after that the bleeding tapered off slightly.” Amanda explained. 

“Okay, well I’m going to do an ultrasound, and we can have a look and figure out what’s going on.” The doctor started, as she pulled the ultrasound machine closer to the bed, the blonde was lying on.

“This is going to be a little cold.” The women explained, her tone soft and her eyes full of compassion. It made Amanda squirm.

As the doctor squeezed the cool jell onto Amanda’s slightly bloated stomach, Amanda turned her head to look at Olivia. Scared eyes locking with big brown ones full of empathy. 

“Okay, so it looks like you have had what we call a partial miscarriage, which would explain the continued heavy bleeding and cramping. I think we can avoid a D and C. What we can do is, wait and see if it passes on its own. Which likely will happen, or I can prescribe you misoprostol which can speed the process along.” The doctor asked as she manoeuvred the machine away from the blonde’s bed. “The medication can take a little while to take effect; it will cause some cramping as it encourages your uterus to expel the tissue. It can be quite painful.” She added, looking into the blonde’s eyes.

“Yeah, I am happy to take the medication. Can I take it and go home?” The blonde asked desperate to leave the hospital.

“Yes, I’m happy for you to go home. I would advise not going home alone, and It would be good to have someone there to seek medical attention should you need.” She said, looking to Olivia.

“I’ll stay with her.” Olivia nodded, ignoring the blonde who looked embarrassed by the suggestion.

“Okay, I will have someone bring you the prescription. You will need to have a follow-up appointment with your ob-gyn in the following week and keep an eye out for infection. That’s a fever, any foul-smelling discharge and the bleeding should stop within two weeks.” She explained before heading out.

“You don’t have to come home with me liv,” Amanda said looking over to the older woman who was looking at her, chocolate orbs oozing sympathy that looked to Amanda a whole lot like pity. 

Amanda took in the look in her boss’s eyes and instantly felt white-hot anger pierce through her, an overwhelming urge to flip the bed she was lying on. To throw the chairs and rip down the curtain. 

“Of course I don’t have to, but there is no way I’m letting you go through this all on your own.” Olivia replied, “so I can come home with you or I can call Fin. Or we can call someone else entirely.” Olivia explained.

And suddenly Amanda’s anger had dissolved at the idea of Olivia leaving her. Tears of frustration that had threatened to fall turned to fast-flowing rivers of anguish down flushed cheeks. Olivia was quick to reach the blonde gathering her slowly in her arms. 

“Don’t go,” Amanda said as she clung tightly to Olivia. 

“I won’t, sweetheart; I’m not going anywhere.” Olivia soothed. Her heart broke for the blonde but was so grateful that the younger woman was willing to ask for help. “I’m sorry your scared, but you’re not alone. Everything is going to be okay.” She continued to soothe, hoping to calm the woman in her arms. 

“Just please get me out of here,” Amanda said her voice choked. 

“Okay lovely, we will leave soon,” Olivia said, laying her cheek on Amanda’s head.

  
  


It was a little while before the duo pulled up to Amanda’s apartment. Amanda had taken the medication at the hospital and told it would kick in pretty quickly. She felt mortified when the nurse brought out a dignity sheet to place on the seat of the car ‘just in case’. Amanda, however, had never been so happy to be in the brunettes company. 

She had always had a fear of hospitals even when she was younger, had always ignored her symptoms to avoid doctors visits and loathed the idea of ever being driven off in an ambulance. It was never the fear of getting sick, nor was it the doctors themselves. She could never pinpoint why hospitals caused her so much anxiety, but all she knew is that the presence of the brunette lessened it. Who was eager to support the blonde, Amanda didn’t want to deny her.

Olivia couldn’t help reaching over and holding her subordinates hand when she started to drive away from the hospital and had barely let go of her since. Now they were sat side by side in Amanda’s living room, Amanda having changed back into her sweats and given a couple of post-pregnancy sanitary towels before leaving the ER. 

Olivia wanted to ask her how she was feeling, how the cramping was, but the look of embarrassment on Amanda’s face stopped her from prying. The Sargeant was grateful neither of them was on call. She didn’t know how long this medication would take to take effect. But she knew they were in for a long weekend regardless. 

“Sorry about waking you up earlier,” Amanda said as she settled into the sofa, she had taken her jacket off and threw it over the back, Olivia doing the same. 

“Don’t worry about that, honey, how are you feeling?” She asked as she settled in on the other side of the sofa, sensing the blondes need for some physical space. 

“Sore,” Amanda admitted, desperate for the older woman’s comfort but unsure how to seek it. “And so... so... tired.” She added.

“Would you like to head back to bed?” Olivia asked after noticing the longing look the blonde had sent towards the bedroom.

“I have to change the bedclothes first.” Amanda huffed, she couldn’t walk very far her pelvis was tight and uncomfortable. She could feel her lower stomach cramping, but it was more tight than painful.

“No, I can do that. It’s why I’m here.” Olivia said about to stand up.

“You don’t have to do that, that’s asking way too much.” Amanda protested but didn’t attempt to stand.

“Amanda, lovely...” Olivia began, “you haven’t asked anything off me..” she softly pointed out, “I’m offering, and if it makes you uncomfortable then that is okay, but I am completely fine with changing your sheets, throwing them in the wash, and getting you into bed.” Olivia said softly, “o,r alternatively, you could lie here.” 

Amanda who desperately wanted to be in her nice cosy bed, shot a longing look to the bedroom once again. “The bedsheets are in the bathroom closet.” She replied.

After Olivia had re-made the bed, she placed the blood-soaked sheets to the side to deal with later; she had wiped the mattress clean. She had understood upon seeing the bed why the blonde had been so scared; the bed looked like it belonged at a crime scene. Amanda was snuggled under the warm duvet and looking up to the brunette with so much trust. It was still early in the morning, and the brunette looked exhausted after being ripped out of bed only hours after entering it. 

“There’s room for two if you want to have a nap too liv?” She confidently asked as she lifted the corner of the duvet, inviting the brunette in. Olivia gratefully accepting the offer settled in on the other side of the bed. 

“I really love your apartment,” she said, taking in the bright pink wall. “It’s not at all what I would have expected.” She said, turning to face the blonde. 

“Really, what did you expect, more of a mess?” The blonde laughed turning, so she was face to face with Olivia.

“Well.. yeah.” Olivia giggled, the noise, in turn, made Amanda cackle. It was a weird moment of levity but much needed. 

“Well, I’m a bit more put together than I appear,” Amanda explained with a smile. Olivia chose not to delve into the reason behind this right now. The blonde was obviously physically and mentally exhausted.

It couldn’t have been an hour after they had drifted off to sleep that Amanda woke up, cramping having increased tenfold. This was worse than it had been the previous day; she could feel that she was bleeding heavily and shuffled to the bathroom. This was going to be the worst of it; she was sure. 

Mimicking her position in the precinct bathroom, she pulled her pants down and settled herself on the toilet. She couldn’t help but groan at the pain that tumbled through her. Once again dazed and in pain.

“Amanda, are you okay?” Olivia knocked on the door softly. She had woken up to find that the blonde was no longer in bed, but had followed a few drops of blood that led to the bathroom. The sympathy in the older woman’s tone so soft that Amanda was once again powerless to the sobs that racked her body. For what felt like the one-hundredth time in the past 48 hours, Amanda’s body betrayed her, letting her emotions flow out.

Amanda is both desperate for the other women’s attention and desperate for privacy but is in such a compromising position the decision is made for her. 

“Oh, sweetheart, I’m right here,” Olivia said as she slid down on the other side of the closed door in response to the heartbreaking cries from the detective. Desperately wanting to be closer to the blonde. “Whenever you’re ready.” She added. 

A while passed, and Olivia heard the shower running, she got herself up from the unforgiving floor and wiped the blood from the floor. Deciding to grab Amanda a change of comfy clothes and laying them out on the now made bed. 

The maternal feelings she had that made her want to coddle the blonde was immense, and she found herself once again doing the blondes laundry before fixing the blonde a breakfast of orange juice and scrambled eggs. 

She had heard the younger woman exit the shower and make her way to the bedroom minutes before an exhausted looking blonde walked into the open kitchen area. 

“Hey lovely, how are you feeling?” Olivia asked her voice, honeyed, full of sympathy. But this time, Amanda didn’t shy away from it. Instead, she took it upon herself to seek further comfort. Walking over to her Sargeant and squeezing the older women’s hand. 

Olivia was once again in awe of Amanda, in the space of only a few days she had seen an entire 360 in the blondes personality. She saw a strength in Amanda’s vulnerability that was inspiring, but slightly heartbroken. Realising that for the first time in the years that she had been working with Detective Rollins had she been given the pleasure to meet the real Amanda Rollins.

After they had eaten breakfast, Olivia had taken stock of the blondes symptoms and forced another glass of orange juice on the blonde they were now sat side by side on the sofa once again. They were absentmindedly watching re-runs of an early 90s sitcom. Olivia couldn’t help but feel the need quite selfishly to take advantage of the blondes vulnerability and subsequent openness. 

“I have to ask Amanda,” she began turning on herself to look the blonde in the face. “The incident with Nick in the squad room, is there anything you would like to tell me?” Olivia asked tentatively, hoping that Amanda would have come to her if she was made to feel uncomfortable. But knowing that likely wouldn’t be the case. 

Amanda shook her head no. 

“Everything between the two of you was consensual?” Olivia added, desperate for the answer to be yes. 

“Oh yes, liv, of course. He can be a dick sometimes but Nicks a good guy.” Amanda said, looking at Olivia briefly before turning her attention back to the tv, desperate for this line of questioning to stop. She meant it, Nick and hers ‘relationship’ mainly just casual sex had been mostly initiated by her. 

She didn’t want to delve into her issues with Nick. Especially since she was yet to talk to him, he had shot her a couple of apologetic glances. But she still feared that he would be mad at her, or that he would corner her at work again and she wouldn’t be so lucky to have an out. The thought of seeing him at work once again shot a surge of anxiety through her nerves.

“Well he and I had a little conversation about boundaries, I would like you to let me know if he pushes them again,” Olivia said still keeping her eyes on the blonde, once again she saw the dread run through Amanda’s face. Much like the look on the blondes face when Nick had reached out for her. 

Amanda wanted to argue that she could handle herself, that Nick hadn’t done anything and to beg Olivia to stay out of it. Instead, she only nodded. Because in the end, could she look after herself? 

The lack of argument worried the Sargeant greatly. The detectives’ willingness to reach out for her support during her miscarriage was unusual in itself, but she was aware that it was mainly due to the older woman’s persistence. And that had Olivia not stayed in the bathroom with Amanda; the junior detective would have never let her know what was going on. But allowing her to step in with her relationship with her colleagues was a red flag for the Sargeant.

“Are you sure there’s nothing I need to know about Amanda, I feel like I’ve gotten to know you a bit better in the past couple of days. And I can’t help but notice a complete character shift between detective Rollins at work and when it’s just the two of us.” Olivia acknowledged without an ounce of judgement seeping through. 

Amanda understood completely; in fact, Amanda hated the person she was at work. Amanda hated herself period. But the persona that she suddenly adopted at work was irritating and just overall made her job more challenging. It was her  _ Anxious Amanda  _ persona, the detective had never handled stress well or anxiety well, even as a child. She’d often become irrationally angry, sometimes mean and had the habit of acting out whenever she felt an ounce of anxiety. The false bravado came later when her anxiety would often have to be pushed aside to keep an eye on her younger sister.

She wanted to explain this to Olivia, explain that the person she was at work wasn’t the real Amanda. That the character shift Olivia was referring to was due to the junior detective feeling somewhat secure in Olivia’s presence. But she couldn’t figure out how to word it, how to explain this to Olivia in a way that the Sargeant could still respect her afterwards. 

How could she voice the superiority complex that was built from her crushing insecurities placed upon her as a small child, or explain the anxiety she feels around her male colleagues, she deems irrational. Tell her of the overwhelming pressure that fills her belly when she enters the precinct every morning, without Olivia finding out that she is weak and quite possibly a little mental.

“Well I haven’t been feeling too well Sargeant,” Amanda began, deflecting the line of questioning with what she hopes is a reasonable excuse. “And no one is the same at work as they are at home are they.” She said with a little venom in her tone.

“I know sweetheart, I’m sorry,” Olivia said, ghosting her fingers over damp blonde hair. “And I’m so grateful that you have let me be here for you. I am honoured that you have begun to trust me. I’m here for you Amanda not just right now but for as long as you need me.” Olivia finished, feeling overly emotional. 

Perhaps it was due to the lack of sleep or her heartbreak at seeing the blonde so hurt. She was again feeling slightly uncomfortable at her overwhelming need to comfort the blonde. Mindful that Amanda had previously initiated physical comfort, she did reach out to place her hand on the top of the blondes back as she continued.

“As your CO and as your friend, please let me know when your ready, why it is you feel so uncomfortable being yourself at work,” Olivia said knowingly. There was no denying that the blondes different behaviour was due to some form of discomfort in the workplace. 

Olivia continued to rub soft circles on the blondes back consumed by the idea that maybe there was more to the story of Amanda and Nicks relationship. 

Amanda listened to the knowing words of her Sargeant, desperate to explain. To put a voice to her irrational fears, maybe voicing her anxiety would take away some of its power. The constant anxiety meant Monday through to Friday she felt exhausted, ashamed, weak, and she was barely a functioning person Sunday evening terrified of the morning that followed. The guilt that followed all three of the aforementioned constants was what kept her awake at night. She was so fortunate, and she loved her job. She loved her relationship with her partner, and yet she frequently considered picking up and running once again in search of a sense of safety. 

The anxiety of the previous conversation and the continuing cramps in her lower stomach made it difficult to concentrate. Suddenly once again overcome with sobs. Olivia doesn’t question her and wraps the blonde in a tight, safe embrace.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The return of Declan Murphy results in an increase in Rollins anxiety. After finding her crying in her car, Olivia urges Amanda to finally open up and trust her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for mention of workplace sexual harassment and mention of sexual assault.

Olivia thought that she and Amanda would have a better relationship following their trip to the ER and subsequent ‘ _ slumber party _ ’ ordering pizza and cuddling on the sofa while Amanda began to feel better. Amanda had again refused to take any time off and returned to work as though nothing had happened. 

The few weeks before the Lieutenant arrived to relieve liv from her acting position, Amanda hadn’t had much improvement about her behaviour work Amanda was still ‘work Amanda’ and Olivia didn’t get the chance to spend time with her outside the precinct, not for lack of trying, however. Amanda and Nick’s relationship has stayed on the odds a little but Nick seemed to know his place. Well at the very least Olivia hadn’t witnessed anything untoward.

Ever since Lieutenant Declan Murphy has taken over leadership of the squad, Amanda has been increasingly harder to work with. Snapping at her co-workers, insistence to go off on her own and the seeming need to distance herself physically from all her co-workers. She had been so bitchy lately and her constant need to be the devil’s advocate had begun to rub Olivia the wrong way, the blonde she had become very fond of was becoming almost intolerable. 

“Rollins.” Murphy gestured with his hands to follow him into his office. Amanda’s heart sank, she knew this was coming, she knew she deserved to be disciplined for her actions but she genuinely had no idea how to stop herself. 

Olivia watched as Amanda followed the Lieutenant into his office. She couldn’t help but feel that need to protect her younger officer, she too knew that Amanda had been out of order the past few weeks but couldn’t still the want in her heart that told her to reach for the blonde and take her far away from the precinct. 

“Do we have a problem, Amanda?” Murphy asked after Amanda had closed the door behind her. 

“No sir?” Amanda answered innocently, feigning confusion.

“I’m going, to be frank with you here, we slept together and then I became your co, I can understand that might be difficult for you. But I have given you enough time to adjust. It’s time you learned how to play well with others Detective.” The Lieutenant explained he cringed at himself at how condescending he sounded. “Look I didn’t mean for that to sound so... well... I’m sorry, listen your a good cop and a brilliant detective. You go above and beyond the call of duty for all of the victims that walk through that door. But that can only go so far if you refuse to be a team player.” He said, he knew Amanda, he admired Amanda but he found her difficult to work with nonetheless.

“Yes sir, I agree,” Amanda mumbled. 

“We were friends first Amanda.” Declan started a new route, “if you want to tell me what’s going on I’ll listen I’ll try and help?” He said, “but if you can’t work with this team I will transfer you to a new one.” He threatened desperate for the blonde to tell him what was going on, fearing the outcome of both their jobs if she was unable to work under him. 

“I’ll try harder Lieutenant,” Amanda replies secretly debating whether a transfer would, in fact, be the right move for her. 

“My doors always open detective.” He said with a wave of his hand dismissing her.

Declan was stressed he couldn’t very well transfer Rollins out of SVU, that would be a bad move on his behalf. Even he knew how rare it was for the unit to find a dedicated detective. But she was on her last few strikes that were sure. 

“Sargeant.” The lieutenant called out into the squad room, the team were packing up to leave for the day. “Have a seat.” He gestured with his hand.

“I want to ask if there has been a noticed change in Rollins recently?” The lt asked casually

“Yes sir, quite noticeable actually.” She started, “but she’s still a good cop, just become a bit less of a team player.” She acknowledged. 

“I can see she’s good at her job, but I fear my transfer might have impacted her, and I’d hate to be the cause of a blip In her career,” Murphy explained. “I’m going to take a step back in teems of Amanda and appoint you as her direct supervisor for the time being if that would be okay with you?” He asks, he can’t help the selfish motives that have led him to this decision, but he hopes that the Sargeant won’t notice them. 

“Rollins?” Olivia calls knocking on the blondes car window. She had seen Amanda when she pulled up next to her and could see her gripping the steering wheel so tight her knuckles were turning white. Olivia herself was almost running late, so why Amanda was sitting in the car garage instead of rushing to the office to make it on time concerned her. Amanda didn’t seem to notice the brunette on the other side of the door and Olivia could see the blondes chest heaving, peering up to the window it looked as though the blonde was crying. Before she could talk herself out of it, the brunette opened the passenger seat door of the blondes car and got in beside the blonde. 

It was only when the door closed behind Olivia that crying women looked up, tears in her eyes, her breathing coming out in short gasps. 

“Oh hey, hey, hey.” Olivia cooed. “You’re alright lovely, you’re alright.” She comforted as she placed her hand on the blondes back. 

“I can’t go in there liv. I can’t.” Amanda panted, her entire body burned as a layer of cool sweat bloomed as an effort to relieve her. Leaning to lay her head on the cool material of the steering wheel.

“You don’t have to honey,” Olivia promised, Amanda visibly relaxed her shoulders, it was a couple more minutes of Olivia rubbing the blondes upper back and urging her to calm down before the blondes breathing relaxed as-well.

“do you want me to drive you, home sweetheart?” Olivia asked, Amanda wanted to protest, insist she was capable of working or at the very least drive herself home but she wasn’t too sure that would be the case. So instead she just nodded tiredly. 

Once Olivia had Amanda situated in her passenger seat, she texted Fin to let him know she’d be a little late and asked Nick to come in a little earlier than planned. 

“Sorry Liv, I’m okay now,” Amanda said before Olivia could turn on the car, her voice a little stronger than it was before. “I can work.” She finished, looking up to Olivia her cheeks burning with embarrassment. 

“Are you sure, I don’t mind dropping you home? Your welcome to have the day, your clearly not feeling well.” Olivia said as she ran her thumb under the blonde’s eyes to dry the last of her tears. 

“Mmmhmm.” Amanda said, “I’m fine and we’re understaffed as is.” She argues although she couldn’t think of anything she’d like to do less than go into the precinct. 

“Okay..” Olivia started, they were understaffed even with nick coming in a little earlier. But her detectives’ mental health was much more important to her. “Let’s go upstairs and have a quick talk before we do anything?” Olivia asked rubbing the women’s arm before getting out of her car once again and leading the blonde up to the squad room. 

She went into her Lieutenants office the blonde following behind, Fin had sent her a perplexed look as she had passed, but smiled softly at Amanda. Olivia closed the door and the blinds that lead to the squad room, leaving the sun shining through. The office was still tidy but empty, devoid of Olivias personality that had made the room feel warm and safe.

“Have a seat,” Olivia said as she sat down on one of the chairs patting the one directly in front of her. 

“Can you tell me what’s going on?” Olivia asked looking into the tired blue eyes in front of her. Her heart tightened in her chest, desperate for Amanda to finally open up. To let her in. 

“Oh.. uhm.. it’s nothing.” Amanda tries, unable to find the words to tell her Sargeant that her anxiety was too much to handle. That each morning pulling herself out of bed was a task in of itself. How could she explain her fear of her colleagues, that they were undeserving of. The flashbacks she had to her time in Atlanta, how could she complain about any of it, to the woman who had been to hell and back and survived.

“Well, I just found you having a panic attack in the car park so I’m guessing it’s more than nothing?” Olivia stated, “Now I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s going on?” She tried again. 

“I don’t know.,” Amanda said desperately. 

“You don’t know?” Olivia asked confused, “you don’t know what’s wrong?” She clarified. 

“No, I know. I just don’t know how to explain it.” Amanda said embarrassed. Olivia nodded sympathetically.

“Does it have something to do with Lieutenant Murphy?, I know that you too have a history?” Olivia asked tentatively, Amanda had told her that they’d slept together but it had been when she was vulnerable and ill it felt wrong to remind her.

“No, it’s not that. It’s hard to explain. I just... feel like.. work just makes me so anxious these days. It always has, but.. I don’t know.. it was easier when you were in charge. But now it’s gotten worse, I just don’t know how much more I can take. But I love my job, I can’t leave it.” Amanda explained. 

“I don’t want you to leave,” Olivia said her face slightly crestfallen, her breath had caught in her throat at the idea of the blonde leaving SVU. Amanda was Olivia’s favourite person to work with even when she wasn’t, she was dedicated, funny and never failed to make her feel like what they were doing was worth it. Well, she had been until Murphy that is.

“can you try to explain why it was easier when I was CO?” She asked, her heart warmed slightly at the notion. She hadn’t told the blonde about her conversation with Murphy, who must have sensed that Amanda’s strange behaviour had something to do with his appointment. She was planning on telling her this morning and felt the need to leave it out of the current conversation, hoping Amanda will be able to see her as more of an equal, as a friend. 

“I knew I was safe with you,” Amanda answered without hesitation. 

“Do you not feel safe now Amanda?” Olivia asked her voice just above a whisper. The familiar fear now that maybe Amanda’s relationships with her colleagues hadn’t been entirely healthy.

“Logically I do, but working in Atlanta.. it was a boys club down there.” Amanda began, “you had to be careful and.. well... it’s like I’ve worked here for a few years now and I still haven’t... it’s like my body is on constant fight or flight, always ready.” Amanda explained, “but now It’s different I know it is and it got better, but then, history started repeating itself. With Kim coming to town and then Nick and Declan, I pushed the boundaries with the men I worked with. What was I thinking.” She finished, the detective knew she was rambling and making little sense, but hoped it would be enough for Benson to understand. 

But before the Sargeant could say anything, “god I’m so stupid.” Amanda blurted our, punching her thighs with closed fists. “Stupid, Stupid, Stupid.” 

“Hey..” Olivia said reaching out to grab the blonde’s hands. “You’re not stupid Amanda. Not at all.” She soothed, giving the blonde a moment to catch her breath.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Amanda repeated. 

“Oh lovely, were gonna fix this. It’s okay.” Olivia said reaching her hand out to squeeze the blonde’s shoulder. After a few minutes the blonde had calmed down, Olivia was watching carefully, grateful that she had asked Nick to come in. Deciding that Amanda took precedent right now, the mountain of work could wait. 

“Can you tell me more about Atlanta sweetheart?” Olivia asked cautiously. Feeling as though the problems lay beyond Nick and Declan. That they were mere reminders. 

“It was fine at first, I was pulled up to be detective pretty early on. I had done a good job on a few cases and my deputy chief called me in. I had earned my detective badge Liv.” She assured the older woman, “but everyone assumed it was because I was pretty and blonde.” She added with the role of her eyes. 

Olivia smiles at her encouraging her to continue. She had many similar comments, that she was brought in to fill the diversity quota. Look at her now. 

“It was little comments at first, sneers here and there. There were a couple other women detectives a little older than I was at the time, both of them kind of took me under their wing. They both eventually transferred out, and that’s when the comments got worse...” Amanda took a minute to take a deep breath avoiding Olivias sympathetic gaze. “I couldn’t make a mistake, I couldn’t be late, I couldn’t take a break, I couldn’t ask for help or else I would be told I wasn’t good enough to be there. They’d have to teach me a ‘lesson’,” she explained with a shudder.

“I had to deal with almost every victim that came through the precinct as the only women there, we were SVU so of course, we were short-staffed. But I was exhausted so of course, I made mistakes.” She said, realising she was sounding whiny, “I know I sound like I’m being dramatic..” she tried to backtrack.

“No, Amanda that sounds awful, I’m so sorry,” Olivia explained interrupting the blonde. It was a few minutes silence before it was clear Amanda wasn’t going to keep talking. 

“You said they’d teach you a lesson? How would they do that?” Olivia asked her voice so soft almost a knowing whisper. She was scared of the answer she was about to receive, but everything started falling into place. The blondes inability to ask for help, her need to distance herself from her colleagues and her trust issues with the members on the team.

_ God, she was good _ . Amanda thought, looking deep into those knowing brown eyes full of understanding.

“Well, it started off that anyone, in any rank could give me a telling off. I had to just take it, put on a brave face and laugh it off. If I ever took offence I’d just get ‘we thought you could take a joke’ ‘this is what it means to be one of the boys Mandy’.” She explained with a roll of her eyes. 

It was clear to Olivia that the detective was getting to a part in her story that made her uncomfortable. A few minutes of silence and it was clear that the blonde once again wasn’t going to continue without prompt. 

“You said at first?” Olivia whispered again. 

“Yeah, well like I said it was a boys club. I had to be one of the boys, I had to get along with them. So there were touches here and there. A smack on the ass for a job well-done. I had to joke with them, flirt back with them, I let them think it was okay.” She rambled again, her story coming out fast and rushed.

“But I guess I gave them an In because one day I came into work to everyone was teasing me, claiming that I had only got my job by sleeping with the deputy chief, I had heard this rumour throughout my entire time on the unit, so I didn’t think much of it. I laughed, teased them back.”

Taking a deep breath, her eyes trained on the floor. Her hands clasped in her lap, she was going to do it. She was going to spill her secrets to Olivia Benson.

“Well to my captain this was all the confirmation he needed that I was nothing but a slut. Who didn’t deserve to be on his unit? It didn’t matter that I had the most arrests, or that I was the only person on the squad who truly knew how to get through to a victim.” She huffed her face red with anger now, “my partner messed up on a case, he was young, had gotten worked up over a child molestation case. The perp complained. So my captain pulled me into his office after everyone had gone home, told me that I should have known better, I should have stopped him, that he thought I knew how to handle a man. That he had to teach me a  _ lesson. _ ” She said with a shiver, her anger and shame mixing as she told Benson, a story she promised herself she would take to her grave. “I fought. I fought hard, he... he raped me.” She spat the end of her sentence out, it took her brain a second to catch up with the words that were pouring from her mouth so quickly. She took a sharp breath, her hand covering her mouth as if to stop any more confessions falling from her. Looking to Benson with pleading eyes, begging her to forget everything she had just heard. 

“It’s okay Amanda,” Olivia started, “your okay.” The soft sympathetic tone of her Sargeant was all the permission her body needed to release a torrent of tears, her shoulders heaving with sobs. 

“Oh sweetheart, come here,” Olivia said reaching out to the blonde. Amanda wasted no time leaning forward into the older women’s arms. “That’s it, honey, let it all out.” 

“Liv, I went back to work the next day, and I was so well behaved. It just proved to him that it worked.” She sobbed so ashamed of herself, “why did I go back?” She asked both to herself and the older women. 

“Because it was your job, you did nothing wrong,” Olivia assured her detective. Olivia’s mind was reeling, she had her suspicions, Benson was almost always able to detect a survivor. Her superior officer, Olivia’s blood boiled in her veins. Too many times was she disappointed in her fellow officers, she too had come to resent the badge. Just another means for angry arrogant small-minded men to hold a sliver of power over others.

“Did you report it?” Olivia asked, already knowing the answer. Her tone void of judgement and full of empathy.

“No, there was no one to report it to.” Amanda defended herself. She had wanted to. But she knew how this squad worked, the only people who would have believed her would have kept their mouths shut to protect her boss. And her bosses boss, well he was the worst. 

“I’m sorry Amanda, that sounds awful. Would you like to tell me some more? or would you like a break?” Olivia asked soothingly, her arms still wrapped around the blonde leaning forward awkwardly in her seat. 

“I’m not reporting it, Liv,” Amanda said leaning away from the Sargeant. Her voice was panicked, she knew this was a bad idea.

“You don’t have to, you don’t have to do anything.” Olivia quickly assured,

“It’s not worth pursuing,” Amanda said her voice barely a whisper.

“That’s how they win,” Olivia replied, her heart broke. Amanda looked exhausted as if they weren’t only an hour into their shift but five hours deep on a night shift. “You’re worth it Amanda.” The Sargeant said strongly.

The silence that followed meant so much to the blonde. The fact that her superior officer wasn’t attempting to push the blonde to report her attack, hadn’t even suggested it. She hadn’t need to beg the brunette to drop the issue the older woman had listened to Amanda. There was no victim talk of healing or stoping them from hurting someone else. These were things Amanda already knew and Liv knew she didn’t need to remind her. Amanda knew she could trust Olivia, she knew talking was healing, and she took a big step today. She was proud of herself, for the first time in forever.

“Thank you for believing me.” Amanda interrupted the silence. She had never felt so cared for than she did when she was with the brunette, Olivia had shown genuine care and in recent weeks had attempted to create a friendship with the blonde. One that Amanda had hoped for years ago when she first met the Olivia Benson. 

“Of course I would believe you, ‘manda it was never a question,” Olivia said slightly taken aback, wether Amanda was telling the truth or not hadn’t even crossed her mind, surely the younger detective had to know that. 

Amanda could only nod, she knew logically, but after all the lying she had done I’m recent years, with gambling and her sister. She understood why they wouldn’t trust her. 

“I’m happy you feel safe with me Amanda,” Olivia started again, “But you deserve to feel safe at work, feel safe with your colleagues. I can understand why you didn’t report your assault at the time, we believe you, Fin will believe you, Nick will believe you and we will have your back every step of the way if and when you decide to peruse this.” Amanda nodded. Olivia surveyed the younger woman who was trembling in her seat.

“But right now, let’s try to focus on your immediate needs hmm?” Olivia asked the junior detective who looked so small, “would you like a bottle of water?” She asked, reminding herself of the physical tole a disclosure can have. 

Amanda nodded but looked frightened at the prospect of being left in the office alone. Olivia popped her head out of the door and called to a uniform to grab her a bottle of water, without leaving the office she returned to Amanda’s side with an open bottle of water in seconds. 

“Now can you try and tell me a little more about how you’ve been feeling at work lately?”

Olivia said softly after a few minutes of silence as the blonde drained the bottle of water. Amanda nodded, taking a deep breath. She had already come this far. Slipping into boss mode, Olivia as determined to keep Amanda on her squad.

“I don’t know, when I first arrived, it was easier like a weight had been lifted off of me. Then Nick happened, we were just sleeping together... and it first it was fine. I knew it was a bad idea, but I was having fun with it y’know. I had slept with my colleagues before, I made it clear that was all it was sex. Then when things started to.. I don’t know fall apart, it would be easy to just walk away or so I thought.. but the close relationship... the odd touching...” she explained “you know Nick, he’s passionate. And he was protective and then he went to my meeting and my private life and personal life started to mix.” Amanda explained.

“It’s not his fault at all. It just scared me a little that my work life and personal life were mixing.

I had agreed when I came to New York my private life and my personal life would remain separate, that way history couldn’t repeat itself. But... I just ended up developing two personalities. Home Amanda and work Amanda.” She explained, “that worked too until it didn’t.”

Olivia had gotten the gist of what Amanda was trying to say, the younger woman was clearly anxious and not making much sense but the sergeant knew that she was missing a key part of the information regarding the younger woman’s time in Atlanta, fearing that the abuse she was subjected to at work had merged into the blondes home life. Having an inkling it had something to do with Kim. She understood the core of theblondes anciety,where it stemmed from. Amanda was triggerd everyday she entered the precinct. They were not the stressor, they were not the problem, only the trigger.

“Now I don’t know how to act, as soon as I enter this building my anxiety peaks and I am suddenly on autopilot. Then next thing I know I’m being yelled at.” Amanda explained, “I guess my autopilot hasn’t calibrated to New York yet, going off on my own, not trusting my co-workers.” She added with a shudder, “I love being a cop liv, but I don’t love all that we represent.”

Olivia nodded at this sentiment she too was beginning to resent the structure that was the PD. A job she was once proud to be a part of, too many story’s like Amanda, too many murderers among them. Her brothers in blue were becoming more of the enemy than she had ever admitted to herself. The new administration giving them cause, protection. 

Looking around her superior’s office, Amanda had been to many training seminars regarding responses to trauma. She could recognise the symptoms of PTSD that had plagued her for the past few years. Could even follow them back to Atlanta, when she had fallen headfirst into her gambling addiction. She was aware of her triggers, she chose not to deal with them, tried her best to avoid them. But being in her superior’s office was one unavoidable but harrowing trigger. Suddenly her thoughts were on her old captain, her deputy chief and the sneering faces of her old colleagues. Aware that Olivia was sat beside her, agreeing with her last statement, but unable to comprehend. Her thoughts focused on her old job, what she had survived, what she had let happen. What it had done to her. 

Olivia said that they could fix this, that it would be okay. Olivia hadn’t let her down yet. 

“I think I need help liv.” She whispered looking up to her friend, her tired eyes swimming with tears.

Olivia stared back into blue eyes, losing the fight with her own tears. She had felt such a deep connection with Amanda in recent months, ever since she had gotten to know the real her. She had been desperate to help her and looking into the dark pools of despair that were guarded by a strong blue. She couldn’t stop the flow of tears, she knew the fear Amanda had referenced. She’d lived it, with Lewis, with her mother. 

When Amanda’s tears fell too Olivia reached out for her colleague, pulling them both to the floor Amanda half on her lap. Rocking the now sobbing woman. 

“We’ll get you, help sweetheart,” Olivia said squeezing the younger woman to her chest.

“I just want you to help,” Amanda whispered as she clung to the older woman for dear life. Scared that she would get up and leave her. 

“Okay sweetheart.” Olivia agreed, she would push Amanda to talk to someone later. Right now she was going to hold, rock and cry with her friend. The rest will come later.


End file.
